Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Inducing Lactation

I have been taking birth control pills and another drug to help induce lactation so I can try breast feeding the twins when they arrive. I started them back in July after we were safely into our pregnancy. I noticed the physical changes (heavy breasts, increase in breast size- which all have subsided now). I just recently have been experiencing the emotional effects of them (or I believe they are due to the meds). It started last Monday. People who know me know that I am not an overly emotional person. I don't often cry or anything like that. Clark was playing his batman game with Joe. I kept giving him warnings that it was almost time for bed. When the time came for bed, he had a melt down. He didn't want to stop playing his game, understandable, he's only 3.5. I comforted him and said we'd play again the next time, but it was time for bed. Of course, cue the stalling tactics. He decided he was hungry. He had already had dinner earlier in the night. He wanted peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I refused to make it for him because again, he already had eaten. Another melt down started. He asked Joe and Joe made him one. He had his chocolate milk, regular milk, and the sandwich at his disposal. Decided to fiddle around instead of eating. Kept reminding him to eat because it was bed time. Ate a few bites, then of course was thirsty. Finally he was full and no longer thirsty, I said it was time for bed. Another melt down. I finally somehow got him into his room and in bed. He stopped crying. As I was leaving his room, he called my name. (cue my tears starting to form even though it's been over a week since this has happened, emotional much? :) ) He said the cutest things to me. That boy really melts my heart. I left his room, went straight to my bed and starting sobbing. Sobbing for the amazing son I have, sobbing because he's 3 years old, turning 4 in 3 months. Sobbing because I missed my brother so much and for Clark who will never have an Uncle Eric as his buddy. Sobbing because life just goes by so incredibly fast and I miss all those who are no longer with us. Sobbing for my fate. Thinking of how in a few short years, Clark will be older and "too cool" to care what I think about his actions. About how he one day will experience the loss of his mommy. Will he be angry? Will he think I was selfish for having him when I "knew" my "prognosis"? Will he remember all the good times we had growing up? Yes, this all stemmed from a few words of a precious little boy. He heard me crying, and he came into my room. He rubbed my back and said "mommy, are you mad at me?" Of course I wasn't mad. My heart was so full of love for this boy, love that I have always had, but never fully experienced in this type of way before. It still chokes me up, still makes me miss those past 3.5 years. I want him to have the best memories of him and I spending time together. And I know in my heart he will. Because I know we have had the best 3.5 years so far together. And I plan to stay around for the next 35 years (at least, God willing).
Come friday night. Joe picks us up Jimmy John sandwiches. I text him my order. #17 no lettuce, no mayo. Very excited. Been craving JJ for a few weeks. Get my sandwich, head into my room to rest and watch some regular non-Batman television. Unwrap the sandwich. There's lettuce AND mayo on my sandwich. Cue the waterworks. Yep, crying like a baby (!?). Of course Joe doesn't understand why I am crying. I don't even understand why I am crying!! I look nuts, and I feel out of control. That's when I just know these hormones are starting to mess with me. It's not always going to be roses, but I want to provide the best possibility for myself with the twins and my ability to breast feed them. If it means being tapped into my more sensitive, emotional side to be able to experience the amazing bond with my babies, than that is nothing! :) I haven't had any "incidents" since. I laugh about it because I know that it's normal. Hormones do screwy things to some people. This to shall pass. It'll all be worth it holding those precious gifts from God in my arms :)

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Belly shot

Less than a week until our elective 3d/4d ultrasound! Very exciting. Not only will we see the babies again, but it'll be for a full 20-30 min! Just pure fun, relaxed, enjoyable time with Lori, her DH and children and my husband and son. I haven't seen the babies since 9 weeks, so almost 8 weeks later! It'll be so awesome to see how much they've grown and changed. I'm so excited for Clark to see them again. He's very very excited to have the babies. He doesn't understand yet that it just doesn't happen overnight, even though I wish it did. They need to grow until end of February :) I think he's going to be most excited for the finding the genders out! He is sticking by a boy and a girl. I used to have strong feeling of it being 2 boys but now I just haven't a clue! Lucky Lori knows! Haha I thought it would kill me for her knowing so far in advance from us knowing, but it really isn't a big deal to me. I like to harass her every once and awhile with questions of what they are, but I in no way really want the answer yet. My heart is set on finding out our special way surrounded by all the people who love and have supported us through this entire journey. I wouldn't imagine it any other way. Only 34 more days... :-P

Left picture: 13 weeks Right: 15 weeks

Friday, September 14, 2012


Went for my Doctor appointment today. My heartbeat was too loud and they couldn't hear the babies over it so we did an ultrasound. They look fantastic! Strong heartbeats! Moving all around!

Oops the doctor and I got a peek between their little legs!!!! I have seen both boy and girl parts with my own babies and it looks like we have a good guess for both babies! The doctor said he wasn't at all sure but he had a guess for each.

Now the wait!!!!!! Till our next ultrasound to be 100% sure!! Then the wait til Oct 27 to share with family and friends and of course MOM and DAD!!!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Not surrogacy related...

I am feeling pretty low and down tonight. Trying to sort through my emotions and thoughts on this, but fairly close to tears at this point. I feel like I'm always the "bad guy." I feel like all I do is discipline and yell at Clark (and his cousin). I am very hard on him because I want him to grow up to be a well behaved child who listens when spoken to. I don't want him to hurt others, or run around like a wild banshee. I want to know that I can leave him in the care of someone else and he will behave himself, keep his hands to himself, and be on his best behavior. Now, I just feel helpless and defeated. He doesn't listen a good portion of the time, he does it out of spite. Yes, I realize he's only three years, 9 months. I just feel like a failure. I suck at parenting him. I don't know how to be a good mom. (I'm not doing this for a pat on the back saying oh you are a great parent, Lisa. That's not it. I really, honestly feel defeated.) I want to raise him loving God, loving himself, loving his friends and family, loving life, and his parents. I had a long day with him today, and made mistakes. Sometimes I get caught up in the moment and get very frustrated and angry. I've tried over and over to change my ways and just to be a chilled parent who lets their child explore and enjoy life, but sometimes it just can't work that way. I do not know what a happy medium is. And I'm afraid I'm already on this path and I can't get off it or change course. Please pray for me. I need God's guidance and encouragement. If I can't be a good parent to Clark, how can I help him when the babies come? How can I raise 3 kids under the age of 5? Hopefully some sleep will help, but I need more than that. But what? I feel like an old cranky woman who people hate to be around because let's face it, I'm not fun. All I do is yell, yell, yell at my child. Ugh. I hate this person I am.