The Aftermath

It has been really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that we miscarried these babies. We were told that my hcg level plummeted to 17 and there was no gestational sac in my uterus, but hearing and believing are very different. We were crushed by this news of course, but honestly I still felt pregnant. I couldn't understand how I could be pregnant one moment and not the next. It seemed unreal. Like a horrible nightmare. I kept thinking to myself that maybe they made a mistake. It was just to early to see on the ultrasound and the lab made a mistake with my levels. Then I got my period. It hit me harder then, when the reality of the situation was no longer avoidable. I said I would share how I felt when I could so here it is....

These are my honest feelings. Right or wrong this is it. I am hurting. Physically and emotionally. My body is feeling something it has never felt. I was taking a ton of hormones and when they told us the news they said to stop them all. Talk about huge shock to my body! I was feeling lightheaded and weak and dizzy. I was getting headaches and cramping. All added to the pain I was feeling in my heart that seemed to flow through me from head to toe. I am so sad. I cannot believe that these two lives that we were all praying for and loving are gone. I am so sad for Lisa and Joe and their families. So many hopes and dreams were already in motion, to be replaced now with such horrible news.
Surrogacy is was what I was meant to do. I know that I was meant to do this for Lisa and Joe. This is Gods plan for us I am sure of it. So why? I take some comfort in the fact that we did give these two babies a chance at life. God has a plan for them. They are with him now in peace I know. It is just painful to let go of our plans for them.

Being a surrogate I was the home for these babies. The safe haven for them to grow. So with that comes my feelings of disappointment. I feel like I have let everyone down. Lisa and Joe and their families, my family, and most of all the babies. I replay each day over and over trying to decide if I did something wrong. The babies did their job. They implanted and were growing so that leaves me with the guilt. I feel like it was my body that couldn't save them. It was my job to keep them safe and I feel like I failed. Now I know I am not supposed to think these things. I know this because EVERYONE tells me "you can't think like that-it isn't your fault-there is nothing you could have done-don't blame yourself". But I said I would be honest about my feelings right or wrong. And to be honest I think it is impossible to not think these things.
I have he some time to grieve now and I am starting to let go of my self-pity and trying to focus on the future. I am still very sad for Lisa and Joe and I can't even imagine how they are feeling, but I am looking ahead to the rest of Gods plan for us. Looking to the hope of a new journey and a new chance to live out Gods will. God is my reason for all of this. His love and grace and mercy make everyday a day of hope. So with that I will regain my strength physically and emotionally. I will pick myself up and let go of all of my fear and start fresh!
God thank you. Thank you for the amazing people you have brought into my life. Lisa and Joe are so important to me. Their families have accepted us like we have always belonged and we are so blessed to be a part of their lives. Thank you for this experience. There has been so much joy and love and we have all grown closer through it. Thank you God for for the pain. This part is hard for me but the bible says it clear. James 1:2 says " Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". So I will thank him now even for this trial. My faith has been tested, but remains strong. With him we can preserver and become stronger through this.
I am so thankful that Lisa and Joe have the faith and confidence to move forward with me in another journey. Staring over fresh. I know that God has great plans for us and I am thrilled to begin again. It looks like, of all goes well, that we will be transferring again in June. I pray that this journey we can be more patient and more reliant on God. Please pray for us. That we can let go and let God handle it all this time. His time.

Only God knows why....

It is true that in the midst of pain you can't see God's plan or his reason. We chose to go to the Chicago office for the ultrasound today, because in St.Louis they are quite cold and not personal. Well the ultrasound lady in Chicago was so much worse than anyone I have dealt with before. Not just cold but mean and horrible. She was upset with us from the moment she opened the waiting room door. I guess because we had 4 people in the room and she didn't want that many to come. From the moment she saw us she was filled with attitude. This made worse by the fact that she couldn't see anything in my uterus. She said "there is no gestational sac" "I don't see a pregnancy"She said this like she was telling us the weather. With no hope or bedside manner at all. She said it could be because it was ectopic or it just "didn't work". So kind this lady!
They did another hcg level and a nurse came to speak to me. She told me not to worry at all. We were early and it is normal to not see anything. She said as long as the hcg level was increasing then we were fine and we would schedule another ultrasound for a little later. This was a huge relief because we were all thinking the worst. So we waited.
Finally at 4pm my phone finally rang with my hcg level. I tried to read the tone in her voice but it gave nothing away. Then she said "unfortunately your levels have dropped.....silence...your level today was 17". Not sure what all she said after that because it all seemed to blur, but what I did hear was there was a pregnancy and now there is not. Lisa could hear bits and pieces but she got enough to understand because I could hear her crying. The nurse went on to tell me to stop my meds and call when I started my period.  The rest of the ride to the train station was pretty quiet except for our tears.  We didn't have much time once we arrived.  Just enough time for long hugs and lots of tears and quick "goodbyes".

Having an intimate relationship with God we have access to him in the toughest times.  I prayed to him almost the entire 5 hour train ride home.  I prayed at first for it to not be true, then I prayed for him to change it, finally I just prayed for strength to make it through.  One of the hard parts of this relationship is that God doesn't always give you the answers you are looking for.  Speaking only for myself, because I cant speak for Lisa, I have to be completely honest I am angry about this.  Why God?  I know that I may never know the answer to that question, but at the moment I am just hurting.  I understand that God's plan is perfect and I trust him in that, but I just don't understand why we made it this far.  Why we had so much happiness and so much hope, just for it to be crushed in an instant.  I know that God makes all things work together for our good, I am just really struggling to see the good in this at this moment.  I am feeling so many different things right now, but it is just to raw to share it all right now.  Hopefully after some time and healing I can come back here and explain more about how I am feeling.  For now I am just asking you to pray for Lisa and Joe and their families.  Please pray for strength for all of us to get through this difficult time.

Today!

Today's the day! Lori and Ryan are on their way. I'm working, thankfully, because I'd be going crazy waiting at home. Our appointment is at noon. I'm not sure if we have one bean or two beans in there. I just am praying that it's not too early to see anything. We are 5 weeks, 4 days I think?? I guess we will find out today how far along we are. Pray for us! Thanks :)

2 more days...

Lisa-We have 2 more days, technically 1.5, until our first ultrasound. I can't wait to see what's going on in Lori's belly!! I am so excited that everyone will be able to be in the room and witness this amazing event.

Lori-I am so excited too. Can't wait to see how they are growing. Of course to answer the question everyone wants to know the answer to!!! HOW MANY? We transferred 2 and all of us are praying for both to stick. Well except CJ. He wants 3! So he is hoping they both stick and one splits. My boys both say they think there are two. They want CJ to have two babies. Idk what God has in store for us, but I am confident that he knows best so I trust in him. If there is 1 baby then I will be so thankful that that miracle hung on. If there are two I will be so thrilled that Gods plan was in line with our prayers. And if there are more than 2 then I will be asking for more prayer!!! Lol. I trust in him to give us all what he knows is best. Can't wait til tomorrow to see what that is!!!!!!

3rd Beta-the final number is.......

367!!!!! Lookin good!!!! Now we wait til Wed!!!!

We are... Preggers!!

Well, it's official!! We are PREGNANT!! I can speak for Lori and I (and the husbands) and say we are more than thrilled! We are still unsure of the "official" due date of baby #2, but it seems to be in the early part of December. So another December baby, yay!! Our second beta hCG levels came back yesterday at 154! Which is around 3x what we expected - it needed to at least double, but it almost quadrupled. So thankful! God really has been teaching us to be more patient and reliant on Him. Can I take a minute and just thank Him - Thanks God! We always knew something amazing was going to happen with Lori (family) & I. We are having a baby!!! Our last beta hCG levels will be drawn tomorrow morning, then we will have to wait until April 4 for our first ultrasound. We were originally planning on having it April 13, since that was the soonest Lori could have a day off to take it, but since Ryan has the 4th off and Lori's son is on spring break, we convinced our nurse to let us come in on the 4th instead of having one later on the 13th. We are praying we will be able to see something, our baby (ies!) at this appointment. We think we will be 5 weeks, 3 days. If we don't see much, we will do it again on the 13th. We also will have the big ultrasound room as Joe and Ryan cannot miss out on seeing this. We had to sacrifice at the transfer, no way will that happen at this ultrasound. We are praying that both embryos are snug in the penthouse suite. The idea of twins is a tiny bit nerve wrecking, but if God gives it to us, I know we will be able to handle it and handle it amazingly!! <3  Whenever we talk to Clark about whether he wants a brother or sister or if he wants one baby or two, he always says three! One or three according to him. I think when he told Lori he wanted three babies her face went pale ;-) (haha just kidding.) God has provided so much for us already, that I have full faith that whatever He gives us, will be a huge blessing! 6 days and counting until we get a sneak peek at our little baby (ies!)

2nd Beta!!-double???

Yes it did!!! Well technically it almost quadrupled!!!! So excited!!!! My number went from 42 to 154!!! One more beta on Friday. Then an ultrasound in April!!!