Day 1: complete

I knew it'd be tough inducing lactation, but I didn't realize how tough it'd be, mostly mentally. I am struggling mentally to keep this cycle going. At times I feel completely trapped and unable to breath. Then other times, I feel very optimistic and excited to be pumping in order to build up my supply to breast feed the twins. I'm not sure what is my hormones levels talking and what is reality. It's hard to explain, really. I have social anxiety already. I've had it since I can remember, but I was diagnosed with it almost 2 years ago. I was on medicine to get my anxiety under control. I am now currently off my medicine and I can really notice a difference. I have managed without meds for about a year, doing pretty good. But then I started birth control. That messed with my emotions, my thoughts, feelings, anxiety levels, everything. They leveled out once I got used to being on the pills. Fast forward 6 months, to where I am at now. I have been off birth control pills since Sunday basically. I have noticed I am very anxious about this whole breast feeding/pumping thing. When I am pumping, I feel good. I am getting some milk. Maybe a few drops from each breast. Enough to form a small puddle in the bottles. When I am not pumping, I feel like I have a ball and chain attached to me. I have the constant anxiety about timing and having to pump again right when I just finished (or so it feels like anyways). I am trying to have the mindset that if I pump, I pump. If not, it will be okay and I will pump when I can. The recommended amount of pumping is 8 times a day. Now that is extreme to me. I am trying my best to stick to every 3 hours for now. I get anxious thinking I will be pumping every 3 hours for 12 more weeks. It feels like doomsday. I don't want it to feel like doomsday. I am taking it day by day. I am trying to feel encouraged. I know breast is best. But is my goal of breast feeding twins realistic, especially with my disease? I honestly do not know. Joe has been very encouraging and supportive, but is that because he thinks I want this more than maybe I do? I really cannot say. My mind is torn right now. I am fearful that once the babies come, I will be either breast feeding or bottle feeding them all.day.long. I can't do that. I will go crazy. What's a realistic idea of what's to come? How will it all work?