Monday, April 30, 2012


Ok, Ok. I really am trying to be patient here. And I was doing a fairly good job. I was accepting that we would be doing the retrieval and transfer mid June. Then the thought crept into my head, "why can't we do it sooner? What exactly are we waiting for?" I decided to find that out. I finished my first set of birth control pills Saturday This week I will be on the sugar pill. Then I go a whole month of them again before I even start my injections. I don't start injections until June 3. Such a long time, you ask. Yes, yes it is. I was fine with thinking it was because our bodies just needed more time to get ready, especially Lori's, to recover from the chemical pregnancy. Well, I emailed our amazing nurse coordinator. I was inquiring as to maybe we could start a little sooner, as Lori will end her BC pack this week. So then why couldn't we start getting this process moving? And you know what she answered me... Blood boiling....

"We cannot do an earlier date because they are set dates that the physicians have selected. The dates for June transfers are only from June 12-22. It is too late to make May bc you needed to start on Lupron already. The egg retrievals are May 7 for the May series"

WOW!!!!! REALLY? Did I just read that?! We are just a number to them. A paycheck. What about MY wants, MY timing!? I, after all, am the one laying out $11,000 for my egg retrieval! Why can't I make that decision!? Well, I am just fuming mad right now. That is the ONLY reason that we can't do it any earlier. I am NOT even going to BE ON Lupron!!!!! So, as you can tell, I am pretty upset right now. I am patient. I have been patient. I'm very mad that this is their only reason. It should be on the timing my BODY wants to have the egg retrieval, not because some doctors and system decide they should work. I am ready to do it soon. Not to wait until mid June because that is when it is convenient for them. With this being out of my hands and making me helpless, makes me very upset. I feel saddened. And then it brings all the pain of my inability to carry my own baby. I am at the mercy of everyone else. I cannot make a baby with my husband the way God intended us to do. I feel vulnerable, weak, pathetic even. I just am defeated. I am feeling so many raw emotions right now. I do not like to dwell on things in my life that I cannot control, and I usually don't play the 'poor me' card, but I am feeling pretty poor me right now. It's not fair. I know, I tell myself all the time, that no one once told me that life would be fair. But come on already. It just stinks. I am sad.

Monday, April 23, 2012


I wanted to do something for Lisa to remember these babies. I searched and searched. I searched etsy for hours and after over 200 thing I finally came upon the most perfect piece. I saw the charm and cried immediately. It said "Only God knows why". As you know that is what I titled my blog post so I just knew it was perfect. The company is amazing. It is called Glory Babies. They design pieces to remember babies who have been lost through miscarriage and at birth. I contacted them with our story. They designed this piece!
It had the charm" only god knows why" and they added two angel wings for each baby as well as a December birthstone to symbolize when they would have been born. Then she added a "hope" charm to signify the hope of our new journey. AMAZING!
It came in today and it is beautiful. This company is so God centered. If you can see they wrapped the piece in this cute baby sock. It was donated to them by a parent of a lost child. That child is remembered with a note inside as well! It has a card inside too telling you more about the company. It is just incredible what they are doing.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Emotions, emotions

As you may have noticed by now, I am a huge procrastinator when it comes to blogging. It's hard for me to just let my thoughts out without worrying about how I'm saying something, with being a perfectionist and all. But I know it means a lot to Lori as well as to everyone following us to just get the words out there and forget perfection. So here is goes.
I never thought that this first transfer with the frozen embryos wouldn't work. That thought just never crossed my mind. I knew God put Lori and me together for a reason. The fact that she was enthusiastic about carrying twins was another confirmation that this was going to be the time. We had to special twins waiting for the right woman to carry them. We prayed so much for His will to be done through these embryos. Well, it was numbing to me when it didn't work. I was devastated, but I didn't want Lori to see how upset I was. I knew she would blame herself, because that is just our human nature, where in fact, I blamed myself. I "jinxed" us. I know believing in jinxes didn't parallel to having strong faith in God and His plans. So I feel silly feeling the way I do, but be it as it may, I still do. Maybe it's my family history. I was so excited for our upcoming pregnancy that the night before Lori and Ryan came up for our first ultrasound, I finally made our pregnancy journal. I filled out the first few pages. I just had such a joy and wanted to start journaling our progress with this pregnancy. Then April 4th came. We had a terrible experience at the ultrasound. No gestational sac. No nothing going on in Lori's uterus. Facts given to us as cold as ice. All the while, I kept praying and pleading with him that let it be too early for us to see anything. Then I felt like we were being punished because we weren't patient enough and this is the result of our impatience. I'm not sure what we did the rest of the day, but it wasn't a hopeful, fun day. We were just waiting for the phone call that would give us hope out of this nightmare. Of course, the timing couldn't be worse. We were told on our way to the train that the pregnancy didn't end up taking. We had lost the twins. I know it was early, and as heartbreaking as it is/was, I was at least thankful that it was early enough in the pregnancy. I just wanted to go to bed and sleep all night, but we still needed to say our goodbyes to Lori and Ryan as they left for the train. Dread was all I felt. I didn't want Lori to see me so upset, so I tried to keep those emotions tucked deep inside. I felt in a daze as it was, so it wasn't too hard to stay emotionless. I'll never forget Lori's face when we got out of the car. She was so upset for us, for the lost babies, for the lost pregnancy. I just couldn't believe God would have it end like this, but it wasn't an end, obviously. Just a hiccup in the journey.
I believe that this was in His plan all along, as His plan is perfect even though we might not think so. We gave those two babies a chance at life. That's all we could have done. Although I feel that Lori and I have drifted a little bit from us due to so many different circumstances, I know ultimately we are growing stronger as friends, as sisters in Christ. I started work the first week of April. So I've been trying to juggle all the responsibilities of a wife, mom, working woman as well as process all these emotions made me drift a bit. The thought of doing another egg retrieval (only have done one) seems so overwhelming to me. In honesty, I dreaded it. I just am an impatient person and waiting longer for a baby was the root of my dread.
It's been a few days since I've been on here to post this. I have accepted the fact of a new journey to retrieve my eggs and put the fertilized embryos in Lori. I am very excited for this new chapter in our life. I'm just ready for Lori to be carrying our babies and to finally see them on the screen. I'm just so thankful to have her. She is my strong support and cannot imagine wanting anyone else to do this with.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Aftermath

It has been really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that we miscarried these babies. We were told that my hcg level plummeted to 17 and there was no gestational sac in my uterus, but hearing and believing are very different. We were crushed by this news of course, but honestly I still felt pregnant. I couldn't understand how I could be pregnant one moment and not the next. It seemed unreal. Like a horrible nightmare. I kept thinking to myself that maybe they made a mistake. It was just to early to see on the ultrasound and the lab made a mistake with my levels. Then I got my period. It hit me harder then, when the reality of the situation was no longer avoidable. I said I would share how I felt when I could so here it is....

These are my honest feelings. Right or wrong this is it. I am hurting. Physically and emotionally. My body is feeling something it has never felt. I was taking a ton of hormones and when they told us the news they said to stop them all. Talk about huge shock to my body! I was feeling lightheaded and weak and dizzy. I was getting headaches and cramping. All added to the pain I was feeling in my heart that seemed to flow through me from head to toe. I am so sad. I cannot believe that these two lives that we were all praying for and loving are gone. I am so sad for Lisa and Joe and their families. So many hopes and dreams were already in motion, to be replaced now with such horrible news.
Surrogacy is was what I was meant to do. I know that I was meant to do this for Lisa and Joe. This is Gods plan for us I am sure of it. So why? I take some comfort in the fact that we did give these two babies a chance at life. God has a plan for them. They are with him now in peace I know. It is just painful to let go of our plans for them.

Being a surrogate I was the home for these babies. The safe haven for them to grow. So with that comes my feelings of disappointment. I feel like I have let everyone down. Lisa and Joe and their families, my family, and most of all the babies. I replay each day over and over trying to decide if I did something wrong. The babies did their job. They implanted and were growing so that leaves me with the guilt. I feel like it was my body that couldn't save them. It was my job to keep them safe and I feel like I failed. Now I know I am not supposed to think these things. I know this because EVERYONE tells me "you can't think like that-it isn't your fault-there is nothing you could have done-don't blame yourself". But I said I would be honest about my feelings right or wrong. And to be honest I think it is impossible to not think these things.
I have he some time to grieve now and I am starting to let go of my self-pity and trying to focus on the future. I am still very sad for Lisa and Joe and I can't even imagine how they are feeling, but I am looking ahead to the rest of Gods plan for us. Looking to the hope of a new journey and a new chance to live out Gods will. God is my reason for all of this. His love and grace and mercy make everyday a day of hope. So with that I will regain my strength physically and emotionally. I will pick myself up and let go of all of my fear and start fresh!
God thank you. Thank you for the amazing people you have brought into my life. Lisa and Joe are so important to me. Their families have accepted us like we have always belonged and we are so blessed to be a part of their lives. Thank you for this experience. There has been so much joy and love and we have all grown closer through it. Thank you God for for the pain. This part is hard for me but the bible says it clear. James 1:2 says " Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". So I will thank him now even for this trial. My faith has been tested, but remains strong. With him we can preserver and become stronger through this.
I am so thankful that Lisa and Joe have the faith and confidence to move forward with me in another journey. Staring over fresh. I know that God has great plans for us and I am thrilled to begin again. It looks like, of all goes well, that we will be transferring again in June. I pray that this journey we can be more patient and more reliant on God. Please pray for us. That we can let go and let God handle it all this time. His time.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Only God knows why....

It is true that in the midst of pain you can't see God's plan or his reason. We chose to go to the Chicago office for the ultrasound today, because in St.Louis they are quite cold and not personal. Well the ultrasound lady in Chicago was so much worse than anyone I have dealt with before. Not just cold but mean and horrible. She was upset with us from the moment she opened the waiting room door. I guess because we had 4 people in the room and she didn't want that many to come. From the moment she saw us she was filled with attitude. This made worse by the fact that she couldn't see anything in my uterus. She said "there is no gestational sac" "I don't see a pregnancy"She said this like she was telling us the weather. With no hope or bedside manner at all. She said it could be because it was ectopic or it just "didn't work". So kind this lady!
They did another hcg level and a nurse came to speak to me. She told me not to worry at all. We were early and it is normal to not see anything. She said as long as the hcg level was increasing then we were fine and we would schedule another ultrasound for a little later. This was a huge relief because we were all thinking the worst. So we waited.
Finally at 4pm my phone finally rang with my hcg level. I tried to read the tone in her voice but it gave nothing away. Then she said "unfortunately your levels have dropped.....silence...your level today was 17". Not sure what all she said after that because it all seemed to blur, but what I did hear was there was a pregnancy and now there is not. Lisa could hear bits and pieces but she got enough to understand because I could hear her crying. The nurse went on to tell me to stop my meds and call when I started my period.  The rest of the ride to the train station was pretty quiet except for our tears.  We didn't have much time once we arrived.  Just enough time for long hugs and lots of tears and quick "goodbyes".

Having an intimate relationship with God we have access to him in the toughest times.  I prayed to him almost the entire 5 hour train ride home.  I prayed at first for it to not be true, then I prayed for him to change it, finally I just prayed for strength to make it through.  One of the hard parts of this relationship is that God doesn't always give you the answers you are looking for.  Speaking only for myself, because I cant speak for Lisa, I have to be completely honest I am angry about this.  Why God?  I know that I may never know the answer to that question, but at the moment I am just hurting.  I understand that God's plan is perfect and I trust him in that, but I just don't understand why we made it this far.  Why we had so much happiness and so much hope, just for it to be crushed in an instant.  I know that God makes all things work together for our good, I am just really struggling to see the good in this at this moment.  I am feeling so many different things right now, but it is just to raw to share it all right now.  Hopefully after some time and healing I can come back here and explain more about how I am feeling.  For now I am just asking you to pray for Lisa and Joe and their families.  Please pray for strength for all of us to get through this difficult time.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Today's the day! Lori and Ryan are on their way. I'm working, thankfully, because I'd be going crazy waiting at home. Our appointment is at noon. I'm not sure if we have one bean or two beans in there. I just am praying that it's not too early to see anything. We are 5 weeks, 4 days I think?? I guess we will find out today how far along we are. Pray for us! Thanks :)

Monday, April 2, 2012

2 more days...

Lisa-We have 2 more days, technically 1.5, until our first ultrasound. I can't wait to see what's going on in Lori's belly!! I am so excited that everyone will be able to be in the room and witness this amazing event.

Lori-I am so excited too. Can't wait to see how they are growing. Of course to answer the question everyone wants to know the answer to!!! HOW MANY? We transferred 2 and all of us are praying for both to stick. Well except CJ. He wants 3! So he is hoping they both stick and one splits. My boys both say they think there are two. They want CJ to have two babies. Idk what God has in store for us, but I am confident that he knows best so I trust in him. If there is 1 baby then I will be so thankful that that miracle hung on. If there are two I will be so thrilled that Gods plan was in line with our prayers. And if there are more than 2 then I will be asking for more prayer!!! Lol. I trust in him to give us all what he knows is best. Can't wait til tomorrow to see what that is!!!!!!