Time

It's been awhile since either Lori or I have posted any updates on our lives. For me, it's been a wonderful ride so far. The boys are growing bigger and bigger every day. Elijah still seems to be a pound or so heavier than Jedidiah. Both boys are smiling a ton, making lots of eye contact, and generally being happy go lucky babies. Jed has started laughing. It's the sweetest sound! They both like to talk to me. I think they are getting more aware of one another. Elijah does not like when others cry, especially Jedi. He will start to cry too. They have started sleeping longer stretches throughout the night, which is very welcomed! They normally go to sleep around 7/7:30 and usually will sleep until 12:30/1 sometimes even longer until 2:30! Then it seems they both are up every 2.5 hours after that feeding. Slow progress is fine. 

Clark loves his brothers very much, sometimes too much. Haha. He loves when they look and smile at him and hold his fingers. It seems that he's favoring Elijah at this time, but mostly I think because Elijah holds his finger more when they're in the car. I keep reminding him that we need to love and give both of them attention. No favorites just as he wouldn't want the boys to have a favorite and it not be Clark too. It's just innocent now I know but it doesn't hurt to remind him when he makes those comments. 

We are usually pretty active and busy during the day. Rarely do I stay home all day long. I enjoy to venture out with either just the twins while Clark's in school Tuesday - Thursday or with all three of them the other two days. Being a mom of twins never fails to draw attention to us. I'm not sure why haha but many people talk to us when we're out. Comments usually go like this. "Oh, are they twins?" "A boy and a girl?" "Oh do they look alike?" "Are they identical?" "Do twins run in your family?" "You look wonderful for having twins." "I know so and so who has twins." "Man you must have your hands full." "They're so adorable. Congrats" Most days I really don't mind the comments. It's just on those rare days or rare moments when things are slightly stressful, it seems everyone decides to talk to us. I am unsure how to react most of the time when the topic of delivery, pregnancy, and how good I look for having twins come up. Most times I just smile and say thanks for the compliments and give the abbreviated version of their delivery as if it was me who did actually deliver them. On rare occasions, I will share our story. I don't not share because I'm ashamed or embarrassed or anything like that. It's just that most times it would just take too long and get old so fast if I explained it to everyone. Those who matter know our story. The boys will know of our journey. And that is all that is important to me ultimately. 

I don't get to talk to Lori as often as we used to or as often as I'd like or imagined. It's fair to say both our lives got pretty busy once the pregnancy was over and she resumed normal life again. I really miss her, but life just swallows you up and relationships get put on the back burner. I'm not sure what our future holds or how our relationship will evolve, but unfortunately this seems to be the natural way of surrogacy. Once the excitement of calendars, med schedules, countless appointments, retrieval, transfer, home pregnancy tests, beta tests, ultrasounds, and delivery fizzle down, things kind of go back to how they were before all that. Life goes on, families and jobs need our attention back. I want nothing more than to be able to have daily communication from both sides, but it is just too difficult with schedules. I love Lori and her family more than any word can describe. We will both have special places for each other in our hearts. I can't wait to see them again. I can't wait for her to see how much they've grown! When will that be, I'm not sure either of us really know at this point. 

When we started this blog, I worried I wouldn't be able to be as honest and open as I could be had we not "shared" it together. I want to be open. I want to express myself somewhere since I haven't been able to with anyone else really. I miss her. I miss getting texts from her. I miss how our friendship was. I miss getting responses when I text her. In all honesty, I've tried to force myself to stop texting her because the past few times I had, I didn't hear back. I know she's going through her stuff. She's back at work so juggling being full time pharmacist, mom, wife, and friend is stressful. I don't blame her or hold any ill feelings towards her. And I'm not saying these things out of malice. I care deeply for her and don't want it to just have been for us to get babies. It just sucks that life gets in the way so easily. I hope sharing my feelings can help shine light to others that everything evolves and it's no fault of anyone in surrogacy relationships.  Thanks for reading. I'm not sure if I will be posting as much anymore. I feel that chapter of our lives has closed and I'm creating another one. Here are a few pictures of the boys. 

Inducing Lactation

I have been taking birth control pills and another drug to help induce lactation so I can try breast feeding the twins when they arrive. I started them back in July after we were safely into our pregnancy. I noticed the physical changes (heavy breasts, increase in breast size- which all have subsided now). I just recently have been experiencing the emotional effects of them (or I believe they are due to the meds). It started last Monday. People who know me know that I am not an overly emotional person. I don't often cry or anything like that. Clark was playing his batman game with Joe. I kept giving him warnings that it was almost time for bed. When the time came for bed, he had a melt down. He didn't want to stop playing his game, understandable, he's only 3.5. I comforted him and said we'd play again the next time, but it was time for bed. Of course, cue the stalling tactics. He decided he was hungry. He had already had dinner earlier in the night. He wanted peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I refused to make it for him because again, he already had eaten. Another melt down started. He asked Joe and Joe made him one. He had his chocolate milk, regular milk, and the sandwich at his disposal. Decided to fiddle around instead of eating. Kept reminding him to eat because it was bed time. Ate a few bites, then of course was thirsty. Finally he was full and no longer thirsty, I said it was time for bed. Another melt down. I finally somehow got him into his room and in bed. He stopped crying. As I was leaving his room, he called my name. (cue my tears starting to form even though it's been over a week since this has happened, emotional much? :) ) He said the cutest things to me. That boy really melts my heart. I left his room, went straight to my bed and starting sobbing. Sobbing for the amazing son I have, sobbing because he's 3 years old, turning 4 in 3 months. Sobbing because I missed my brother so much and for Clark who will never have an Uncle Eric as his buddy. Sobbing because life just goes by so incredibly fast and I miss all those who are no longer with us. Sobbing for my fate. Thinking of how in a few short years, Clark will be older and "too cool" to care what I think about his actions. About how he one day will experience the loss of his mommy. Will he be angry? Will he think I was selfish for having him when I "knew" my "prognosis"? Will he remember all the good times we had growing up? Yes, this all stemmed from a few words of a precious little boy. He heard me crying, and he came into my room. He rubbed my back and said "mommy, are you mad at me?" Of course I wasn't mad. My heart was so full of love for this boy, love that I have always had, but never fully experienced in this type of way before. It still chokes me up, still makes me miss those past 3.5 years. I want him to have the best memories of him and I spending time together. And I know in my heart he will. Because I know we have had the best 3.5 years so far together. And I plan to stay around for the next 35 years (at least, God willing).
Come friday night. Joe picks us up Jimmy John sandwiches. I text him my order. #17 no lettuce, no mayo. Very excited. Been craving JJ for a few weeks. Get my sandwich, head into my room to rest and watch some regular non-Batman television. Unwrap the sandwich. There's lettuce AND mayo on my sandwich. Cue the waterworks. Yep, crying like a baby (!?). Of course Joe doesn't understand why I am crying. I don't even understand why I am crying!! I look nuts, and I feel out of control. That's when I just know these hormones are starting to mess with me. It's not always going to be roses, but I want to provide the best possibility for myself with the twins and my ability to breast feed them. If it means being tapped into my more sensitive, emotional side to be able to experience the amazing bond with my babies, than that is nothing! :) I haven't had any "incidents" since. I laugh about it because I know that it's normal. Hormones do screwy things to some people. This to shall pass. It'll all be worth it holding those precious gifts from God in my arms :)