Lisa: The Beginning

As I sit here enjoying the silence while Clark takes a nap, I can't help but become nostalgic of the last few months. I cannot believe we are 23 days away from another amazing miracle of God's. I guess I should start at the beginning. 
I was born with a life threatening lung/pancreas disease known as Cystic Fibrosis. The expectancy of life was mid twenties. I am now 29 and fighting strong. My lung functions are in the upper 40s to low 50s. In laments terms, I breathe with only 40-50% of my lung capacity. I do about 1-2 hours of breathing nebulizers and chest therapy each day. But I wouldn't change it for the world. My parents instilled a great health ethic into my siblings and I. My DH and I struggled for many years on whether or not I should attempt to carry our child. Before we got married, we ended up deciding that it would be wisest if we found someone to carry for us. My lungs were not strong enough to endure the physical strain a pregnancy could potentially put on me. So long story short, we worked with a wonderful agency to find our first gestational carrier. We have a beautiful, healthy, amazing 3 year old son. 
Ever since he was born, I knew that I wanted to give him a sibling. We never wanted our child to be an only child. Again, we struggled with the idea of me carrying a sibling for CJ. I was doing pretty well physically and we decided let's just meet with some doctors and see if this would even be feasible with all the different doctors' opinions. The most important opinion was my CF lung doctor. I had already met with the RE and a high risk pregnancy dr, and they both gave me clearance to proceed. It all depended on this dr. On the day of my appointment, I had several different tests done to measure my lungs functions and capabilities. I, of course, had a cold. The tests did not come back favorable. I was crushed as he gave me the bad news that he could not in good conscience give me a green light to proceed. I knew deep down that I wouldn't be able to, but just to hear the words said out loud devastated me. I wanted more than anything to give my husband and my son another child. It's quite a sting on your own self worth when you cannot do the one thing God intended for married couples to do. 
My DH and I kept talking about the different possibilities, because let's face it. I wasn't going to give up our dream of another child regardless if I couldn't carry it. To me, the end result of a child is way more important than the ability to bring it into this world. I knew I was being selfish in my heart to take on something like that especially with a young one at home relying on me. We spoke of adoption, but the chances of a couple with one of them having a life threatening illness being approved to adopt seemed slim. We wanted to do another surrogacy journey, but the cost was just out of our reach at the time. We decided to leave it up to God. He was giving me so many signs that it wasn't our time yet. Be patient, He kept telling me. And that is the most difficult things for me. He wasn't saying 'no' to my dreams, He was just saying 'not right now, Lisa. it's not the right time.' I would be lying if I accepted that answer. I was very angry and upset. It's hard to watch others who maybe do not have God in their lives, able to have children with ease. And I always ask "why me, God? What's wrong with me that you won't let me have this?' 
Well, God has a plan. Yes, it's frustrating that we aren't able to see it right away. I know for myself, I want instant gratification. But that only gratifies you temporarily. I kept praying and trying to focus more on other things in my life instead. 
We ended up reading an article of a woman who was the gestational carrier for her daughter and her daughter's husband. She had already gone through menopause, but through the miracle of God, she was able to birth her grandson. It sparked a thought that had been placed on the back burner before DH and I got married. His mom, my MIL, had offered to be our surrogate. At the time, that wasn't really possible. But after hearing this, we all got very excited and decided to pursue it. We met with the same RE as the woman and received positive news, that we could move forward. We did our pysch screenings and were on the lawyer phase, when my MIL met with a high risk OB. Her medical advice was that if we were to proceed and ended up with twins (as we have 2 frozen embryos to transfer), that she'd strongly recommend reduction. Neither parties wanted to do that. So we decided again to take a step back from this and pray about it. 
I decided to email the agency we had previously worked with to see about getting started on finding us another match. Unfortunately, since Illinois is such a surro-friendly state, there was a "waiting list" for Illinois surrogates. We were only interested in working with someone who was in Illinois for many different reasons. So I updated our intended parents profile, and we began the waiting game. We went to Disney for a family vacation where I heard from the agency of a potential match. I looked at her profile (while waiting for the guys to ride splash mountain) and became very excited. She sounded so great. She lived a little further than we wanted, but I was so anxious to get started that I emailed the agency back and asked if they could share our profile with them. They liked us as well, but then we discovered that IF it were triplets, she would want to most likely reduce. Well, I was just so excited to finally have found someone, that I didn't mind that because realistically, I did not see our 2 embryos splitting into triplets or more. I talked it over with DH who, thankfully (although I was not thankful or happy at the time), told me that he didn't want to work with them because they were too far away. I prayed about it because I was so upset. I just wanted us to be pregnant again. God again answered my prayers and we did not proceed with them. 
We came back home and I was pretty bummed, but I knew He had a plan and a perfect couple for us, where we wouldn't have to have a shadow of a doubt on any decisions, whether tiny or big. The week before my son's third birthday I received an email from the agency. They had a potential surrogate for us. I read her profile and it all just clicked. She was EVERYTHING that I was searching for. She even talked about God, which was awesome. Because I felt God was speaking to us, bringing us together. I remember thinking 'man, she is so bold. she talks about God in her profile and isn't afraid to say it even if it possibly frightens someone away.' I knew we were on the same page. I knew God put us in this place, at this time, this perfect time for us. Then the agency said they were coming up for a visit that weekend, so we could meet! I didn't have to wait and wait to meet these amazing people. We agreed right away.
I was so nervous that what if they didn't like us. What if I didn't say the right things, what if we weren't a good match, what if the kids didn't like each other; because not bringing CJ wasn't an option. They were bringing their kids. I was so excited to see him interact with this family that would potentially become our close friends. We arrived and I just knew it would be fine. CJ loved playing with their boys. We were so easily able to talk and laugh. It seemed like we knew them from before. Yes, it was still a tad awkward because I didn't want to say the wrong thing because sometimes when I'm nervous I say dumb things. But they were just so friendly and open. We talked for so long and we barely got to cover the "surrogate agency" type questions. I left beaming because I just knew God was smiling for us. And I could almost hear Him say 'I told you. When will you learn to just trust me?' We were instant friends from that day on. 
I remember getting her cell number and texting her for the first time. Boy was I nervous! But since then, we have had such great rapport. In fact, we just got back from visiting them this weekend. What a great time that was. Again, they are just amazing people, amazing family, and the kids had a blast together. I cannot wait to see what God has planned for us. 
More later...