Not surrogacy related...

I am feeling pretty low and down tonight. Trying to sort through my emotions and thoughts on this, but fairly close to tears at this point. I feel like I'm always the "bad guy." I feel like all I do is discipline and yell at Clark (and his cousin). I am very hard on him because I want him to grow up to be a well behaved child who listens when spoken to. I don't want him to hurt others, or run around like a wild banshee. I want to know that I can leave him in the care of someone else and he will behave himself, keep his hands to himself, and be on his best behavior. Now, I just feel helpless and defeated. He doesn't listen a good portion of the time, he does it out of spite. Yes, I realize he's only three years, 9 months. I just feel like a failure. I suck at parenting him. I don't know how to be a good mom. (I'm not doing this for a pat on the back saying oh you are a great parent, Lisa. That's not it. I really, honestly feel defeated.) I want to raise him loving God, loving himself, loving his friends and family, loving life, and his parents. I had a long day with him today, and made mistakes. Sometimes I get caught up in the moment and get very frustrated and angry. I've tried over and over to change my ways and just to be a chilled parent who lets their child explore and enjoy life, but sometimes it just can't work that way. I do not know what a happy medium is. And I'm afraid I'm already on this path and I can't get off it or change course. Please pray for me. I need God's guidance and encouragement. If I can't be a good parent to Clark, how can I help him when the babies come? How can I raise 3 kids under the age of 5? Hopefully some sleep will help, but I need more than that. But what? I feel like an old cranky woman who people hate to be around because let's face it, I'm not fun. All I do is yell, yell, yell at my child. Ugh. I hate this person I am.
~Lisa