Frustrated

Ok, Ok. I really am trying to be patient here. And I was doing a fairly good job. I was accepting that we would be doing the retrieval and transfer mid June. Then the thought crept into my head, "why can't we do it sooner? What exactly are we waiting for?" I decided to find that out. I finished my first set of birth control pills Saturday This week I will be on the sugar pill. Then I go a whole month of them again before I even start my injections. I don't start injections until June 3. Such a long time, you ask. Yes, yes it is. I was fine with thinking it was because our bodies just needed more time to get ready, especially Lori's, to recover from the chemical pregnancy. Well, I emailed our amazing nurse coordinator. I was inquiring as to maybe we could start a little sooner, as Lori will end her BC pack this week. So then why couldn't we start getting this process moving? And you know what she answered me... Blood boiling....

"We cannot do an earlier date because they are set dates that the physicians have selected. The dates for June transfers are only from June 12-22. It is too late to make May bc you needed to start on Lupron already. The egg retrievals are May 7 for the May series"

WOW!!!!! REALLY? Did I just read that?! We are just a number to them. A paycheck. What about MY wants, MY timing!? I, after all, am the one laying out $11,000 for my egg retrieval! Why can't I make that decision!? Well, I am just fuming mad right now. That is the ONLY reason that we can't do it any earlier. I am NOT even going to BE ON Lupron!!!!! So, as you can tell, I am pretty upset right now. I am patient. I have been patient. I'm very mad that this is their only reason. It should be on the timing my BODY wants to have the egg retrieval, not because some doctors and system decide they should work. I am ready to do it soon. Not to wait until mid June because that is when it is convenient for them. With this being out of my hands and making me helpless, makes me very upset. I feel saddened. And then it brings all the pain of my inability to carry my own baby. I am at the mercy of everyone else. I cannot make a baby with my husband the way God intended us to do. I feel vulnerable, weak, pathetic even. I just am defeated. I am feeling so many raw emotions right now. I do not like to dwell on things in my life that I cannot control, and I usually don't play the 'poor me' card, but I am feeling pretty poor me right now. It's not fair. I know, I tell myself all the time, that no one once told me that life would be fair. But come on already. It just stinks. I am sad.