The Aftermath

It has been really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that we miscarried these babies. We were told that my hcg level plummeted to 17 and there was no gestational sac in my uterus, but hearing and believing are very different. We were crushed by this news of course, but honestly I still felt pregnant. I couldn't understand how I could be pregnant one moment and not the next. It seemed unreal. Like a horrible nightmare. I kept thinking to myself that maybe they made a mistake. It was just to early to see on the ultrasound and the lab made a mistake with my levels. Then I got my period. It hit me harder then, when the reality of the situation was no longer avoidable. I said I would share how I felt when I could so here it is....

These are my honest feelings. Right or wrong this is it. I am hurting. Physically and emotionally. My body is feeling something it has never felt. I was taking a ton of hormones and when they told us the news they said to stop them all. Talk about huge shock to my body! I was feeling lightheaded and weak and dizzy. I was getting headaches and cramping. All added to the pain I was feeling in my heart that seemed to flow through me from head to toe. I am so sad. I cannot believe that these two lives that we were all praying for and loving are gone. I am so sad for Lisa and Joe and their families. So many hopes and dreams were already in motion, to be replaced now with such horrible news.
Surrogacy is was what I was meant to do. I know that I was meant to do this for Lisa and Joe. This is Gods plan for us I am sure of it. So why? I take some comfort in the fact that we did give these two babies a chance at life. God has a plan for them. They are with him now in peace I know. It is just painful to let go of our plans for them.

Being a surrogate I was the home for these babies. The safe haven for them to grow. So with that comes my feelings of disappointment. I feel like I have let everyone down. Lisa and Joe and their families, my family, and most of all the babies. I replay each day over and over trying to decide if I did something wrong. The babies did their job. They implanted and were growing so that leaves me with the guilt. I feel like it was my body that couldn't save them. It was my job to keep them safe and I feel like I failed. Now I know I am not supposed to think these things. I know this because EVERYONE tells me "you can't think like that-it isn't your fault-there is nothing you could have done-don't blame yourself". But I said I would be honest about my feelings right or wrong. And to be honest I think it is impossible to not think these things.
I have he some time to grieve now and I am starting to let go of my self-pity and trying to focus on the future. I am still very sad for Lisa and Joe and I can't even imagine how they are feeling, but I am looking ahead to the rest of Gods plan for us. Looking to the hope of a new journey and a new chance to live out Gods will. God is my reason for all of this. His love and grace and mercy make everyday a day of hope. So with that I will regain my strength physically and emotionally. I will pick myself up and let go of all of my fear and start fresh!
God thank you. Thank you for the amazing people you have brought into my life. Lisa and Joe are so important to me. Their families have accepted us like we have always belonged and we are so blessed to be a part of their lives. Thank you for this experience. There has been so much joy and love and we have all grown closer through it. Thank you God for for the pain. This part is hard for me but the bible says it clear. James 1:2 says " Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". So I will thank him now even for this trial. My faith has been tested, but remains strong. With him we can preserver and become stronger through this.
I am so thankful that Lisa and Joe have the faith and confidence to move forward with me in another journey. Staring over fresh. I know that God has great plans for us and I am thrilled to begin again. It looks like, of all goes well, that we will be transferring again in June. I pray that this journey we can be more patient and more reliant on God. Please pray for us. That we can let go and let God handle it all this time. His time.