Only God knows why....

It is true that in the midst of pain you can't see God's plan or his reason. We chose to go to the Chicago office for the ultrasound today, because in St.Louis they are quite cold and not personal. Well the ultrasound lady in Chicago was so much worse than anyone I have dealt with before. Not just cold but mean and horrible. She was upset with us from the moment she opened the waiting room door. I guess because we had 4 people in the room and she didn't want that many to come. From the moment she saw us she was filled with attitude. This made worse by the fact that she couldn't see anything in my uterus. She said "there is no gestational sac" "I don't see a pregnancy"She said this like she was telling us the weather. With no hope or bedside manner at all. She said it could be because it was ectopic or it just "didn't work". So kind this lady!
They did another hcg level and a nurse came to speak to me. She told me not to worry at all. We were early and it is normal to not see anything. She said as long as the hcg level was increasing then we were fine and we would schedule another ultrasound for a little later. This was a huge relief because we were all thinking the worst. So we waited.
Finally at 4pm my phone finally rang with my hcg level. I tried to read the tone in her voice but it gave nothing away. Then she said "unfortunately your levels have dropped.....silence...your level today was 17". Not sure what all she said after that because it all seemed to blur, but what I did hear was there was a pregnancy and now there is not. Lisa could hear bits and pieces but she got enough to understand because I could hear her crying. The nurse went on to tell me to stop my meds and call when I started my period.  The rest of the ride to the train station was pretty quiet except for our tears.  We didn't have much time once we arrived.  Just enough time for long hugs and lots of tears and quick "goodbyes".

Having an intimate relationship with God we have access to him in the toughest times.  I prayed to him almost the entire 5 hour train ride home.  I prayed at first for it to not be true, then I prayed for him to change it, finally I just prayed for strength to make it through.  One of the hard parts of this relationship is that God doesn't always give you the answers you are looking for.  Speaking only for myself, because I cant speak for Lisa, I have to be completely honest I am angry about this.  Why God?  I know that I may never know the answer to that question, but at the moment I am just hurting.  I understand that God's plan is perfect and I trust him in that, but I just don't understand why we made it this far.  Why we had so much happiness and so much hope, just for it to be crushed in an instant.  I know that God makes all things work together for our good, I am just really struggling to see the good in this at this moment.  I am feeling so many different things right now, but it is just to raw to share it all right now.  Hopefully after some time and healing I can come back here and explain more about how I am feeling.  For now I am just asking you to pray for Lisa and Joe and their families.  Please pray for strength for all of us to get through this difficult time.