Emotions, emotions

As you may have noticed by now, I am a huge procrastinator when it comes to blogging. It's hard for me to just let my thoughts out without worrying about how I'm saying something, with being a perfectionist and all. But I know it means a lot to Lori as well as to everyone following us to just get the words out there and forget perfection. So here is goes.
I never thought that this first transfer with the frozen embryos wouldn't work. That thought just never crossed my mind. I knew God put Lori and me together for a reason. The fact that she was enthusiastic about carrying twins was another confirmation that this was going to be the time. We had to special twins waiting for the right woman to carry them. We prayed so much for His will to be done through these embryos. Well, it was numbing to me when it didn't work. I was devastated, but I didn't want Lori to see how upset I was. I knew she would blame herself, because that is just our human nature, where in fact, I blamed myself. I "jinxed" us. I know believing in jinxes didn't parallel to having strong faith in God and His plans. So I feel silly feeling the way I do, but be it as it may, I still do. Maybe it's my family history. I was so excited for our upcoming pregnancy that the night before Lori and Ryan came up for our first ultrasound, I finally made our pregnancy journal. I filled out the first few pages. I just had such a joy and wanted to start journaling our progress with this pregnancy. Then April 4th came. We had a terrible experience at the ultrasound. No gestational sac. No nothing going on in Lori's uterus. Facts given to us as cold as ice. All the while, I kept praying and pleading with him that let it be too early for us to see anything. Then I felt like we were being punished because we weren't patient enough and this is the result of our impatience. I'm not sure what we did the rest of the day, but it wasn't a hopeful, fun day. We were just waiting for the phone call that would give us hope out of this nightmare. Of course, the timing couldn't be worse. We were told on our way to the train that the pregnancy didn't end up taking. We had lost the twins. I know it was early, and as heartbreaking as it is/was, I was at least thankful that it was early enough in the pregnancy. I just wanted to go to bed and sleep all night, but we still needed to say our goodbyes to Lori and Ryan as they left for the train. Dread was all I felt. I didn't want Lori to see me so upset, so I tried to keep those emotions tucked deep inside. I felt in a daze as it was, so it wasn't too hard to stay emotionless. I'll never forget Lori's face when we got out of the car. She was so upset for us, for the lost babies, for the lost pregnancy. I just couldn't believe God would have it end like this, but it wasn't an end, obviously. Just a hiccup in the journey.
I believe that this was in His plan all along, as His plan is perfect even though we might not think so. We gave those two babies a chance at life. That's all we could have done. Although I feel that Lori and I have drifted a little bit from us due to so many different circumstances, I know ultimately we are growing stronger as friends, as sisters in Christ. I started work the first week of April. So I've been trying to juggle all the responsibilities of a wife, mom, working woman as well as process all these emotions made me drift a bit. The thought of doing another egg retrieval (only have done one) seems so overwhelming to me. In honesty, I dreaded it. I just am an impatient person and waiting longer for a baby was the root of my dread.
It's been a few days since I've been on here to post this. I have accepted the fact of a new journey to retrieve my eggs and put the fertilized embryos in Lori. I am very excited for this new chapter in our life. I'm just ready for Lori to be carrying our babies and to finally see them on the screen. I'm just so thankful to have her. She is my strong support and cannot imagine wanting anyone else to do this with.